I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
