Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
