On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
