I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
