The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
