Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
