I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
