apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You made out with two different species that night
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
