Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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