literally had 100 drinks last night.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
