he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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