I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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