I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
