I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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