Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
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