onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
