he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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