Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
