God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
