I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
