That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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