textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
