just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
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why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
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You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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