sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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