I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
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