I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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