When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
