I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I puked a lego.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Randomize
