She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
