if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
