I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
