i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
We smell like vodka and hangover
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