I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
