So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
