I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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