If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I love you. Go after that dick
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