I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
