I cannot find my penis.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
