Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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