i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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