He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
