I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
