not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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