Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize