Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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