if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
