Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize