my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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