then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
