your room smells of hookers.
And success
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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