if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
