You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
