I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
