WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
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