Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
