I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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