Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
