He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
