You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
