Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
