For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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