JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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