I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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