the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
